This will be my last entry before I board the plane to head back to San Diego.  Today started off rather interesting, I woke up to movers bringing JJ and Kai’s furniture into their new place.  One of the movers was totally Crackalactic.  It reminded me of the t-shirts that are sold at the tijuana border that say “Crack Kills” with a big picture of Bart Simpson stuck between a big lady’s crack.  All of JJ and Kai’s was moved in and all that was left was the arrival of my shuttle.

“Fast forward about 2 hours”

My shuttle arrives and Happoo the driver (I shit you not, this was his name) starts on the last leg of the journey to the airport.   He starts talking to me and asking me about my travels.  I proceed to give him the cliff notes version of the trip and he starts telling me about the journey that he and his family went through coming from India.  I notice that he looks a little sleepy and I ask him if he’s had a long day.  He proceeds to tell me that he had the worst tooth ache yesterday, how he has 200 different bottles of liquor in his home, and how he tried about 20 different types of shots to take the pain away.  He follows that up with the fact that prior to picking me up he went to the dentist, got shot up full of novacaine, and got his tooth pulled.  Sufficed to say he was a little loopy.

I really questioned if I was going to get to the airport in one piece.  Luckily I did, when we arrived I wasn’t sure if Happoo was going to hug me or what but I definitely bonded with him.   This seems like the perfect way to send me off back to San Diego after JJ and Captain Chaos’ Excellent Adventure.

THANKS YOU COLUMBUS!!!!! GOOD NIGHT!!!

We’ve officially made it into Ohio, our apologies for the lack of quality of the picture but it was taken from a camera phone. We are about 88 miles out of Columbus.

…..and then someone accidentally hit the “Ludicrous Speed” button

and then we went plad….

As JJ and Captain Chaos embark on the last leg of their epic journey we have discovered the “BEST-RADIO-STATION-EEEVER!!!!!”

So far the playlist includes the following:

• Wanted Dead or Alive
• Dust in the Wind
• Pour some sugar on me

This is awesome!!!!!

We are now a little over 300 miles away from Columbus, OH.  We decided to rest at about 1am this morning in Effingham, IL and I have to say it was probably the best decision ever.  JJ now has his hands firmly attached to the Pussywagon’s G spot and is guiding her to her point of climax.  We should be OH in about 4.5 hours.

What have I learned on this epic journey?  Let’s see:

1. No matter how good it looks, do not….and I mean do not eat the jalapeno & cheese corn dogs at AM/PM!  I am calling bullshit on thier slogan…”Too much good stuff”  There is nothing good about a jalapeno & cheese corn dog.
2. Never pass up a bathroom
3. No matter what city you are in, “Martin Luther King Blvd, Road, Street, Ave, etc.” is in the ghetto.  If you can avoid stopping on this street, DO IT!
4. It’s never a good idea to drink 4 Monster/Rockstars/Red Bulls, 3 cups of coffee, and attempt to follow it up with a 5 hour Energy Drink….your body was not made to handle that much caffeine.

As we coast down I70 in Illinois I would like to say this has been one journey for the ages.  Although Captain Chaos never brought out the mask at any point on this trip there were some situations where both JJ and I were off our asses.  Next post….day 3 picture.

Chaos out!

JJ here. Well, it’s 11:47pm Central, and we’re just now into IL. Captain Chaos has command, and we’re cruising towards an uncertain destiny and a moment of decision. Gwyneth (who really turned into a bit of a pushy little trollop in St. Louis), is telling us that we have a mere 385 miles till our destination. After all of this, we have just 385 miles. To give that number a little perspective, the drive from San Diego to Vegas is 326 miles, and many a late night Vegas run has been made in 4 hours 15 minutes back in the day. The difference was, we were younger, and we hadn’t just logged 2100 miles or so in the last 27 hours 33 minutes (1000+ and counting today).

So, what do we do? We drive till we don’t want to drive anymore.

VEGAS, BABY! VEGAS!!

JJ

P.S. Oklahoma, and their 150 or so miles of unspoiled, high-speed turnpikes as been my favorite driving state to this point. Good times!

Wilson Phillips – Hold On
New Kids on the Block – Hangin Tough
Mary Mark and the Funky Bunch – Come ‘on, come ‘on, feel the vibration!!! (It’s in your head now, isn’t it? You’re welcome)

Here’s something interesting… St. Louis is The Hood! Yep.. with a capital “H”. Like, down to a quarter tank of gas, and waiting to get out of town before you pull over for gas after 11pm hood. Didn’t know that. Now we do.

Oh, and yes, we saw the freaking arch. Did you know that thing is really big?

JJ – Just crossing the IL border.

By the way, we’re somewhere in bumblef*ck Missouri (about half way to St. Louis) and no, we can’t see the arch…..all we see is darkness. Does Missouri have a law against illuminating their highways? I think so.

We’ve been playing iPod Roulette and Captain Chaos is now out of vetos for the rest of the state. I hope we don’t hit a block of Cher, Abba, and Elton John. JJ is driving like a bat out hell, we finally saw a McDonald’s but we passed it up so I guess we’re going to go another 130 miles in search of a cheap cup of coffee.

Chaos here….after navigating the Pussywagon through New Mexico, Texass, and into Oklahoma I have handed the wheel over to JJ. He will be caressing the Pussywagon through the rest of Oklahoma, into Missouri, and as far as we can go tonight. Our goal is to get to at least Illinois or Indiana.

iPod Roulette has taken a turn for the worst – We now only have 2 vetos each per state and JJ has already burned through 1 (Kenny G). We just finished listening to Gloria Estefan and the next song is “Everyone looks so good” by Underoath. Sufficed to say it’s been a roller coaster of a ride with the music. We’ve gone from head banging to easy listening, to rap, to Klub songs….

As JJ said, we stopped in Santa Rosa, NM last night at La Quinta Inn where I quickly found out that both Dimi and Mina really liked me. I woke up at around 3am to find that Dimi was sleeping next to me in the bed and Mina had decided to stick her ass in my face. (They are lucky I like animals so much)

Today I’ve driven a little less than 500 miles so I am going to take a nap and hopefully wake up by the time we hit St. Louis.

-Captain Chaos out.

There are two things in Oklahoma. Jack and Shit. Ugh. On the up side, at least we have trucker hats now:

JJ – 40 miles out from OK City